My partner and I were huddled together working on – what
else – finances. Late on a Friday evening we were scratching
our heads, trying to figure out how to make the accounts work
for the month. “If we move $1,000 from this account to
this account,” Ben explained, “we should be covered
for the next two weeks.” I lamely nodded. “We will
be getting more income at the end of the month, plus we can
tap some investments mid-April. That will help, too.”
We both punched our calculators, tweaking his ideas, and once
again, our agency-boat is seaworthy, for the short-term.
To date, that is the best we have been able to accomplish –
keep the agency seaworthy short term. Generating income has
become an obsession for me.
During meditation Saturday morning, I had a really good meditative
conversation. I know, I know. I’m not supposed to attend
to my thoughts during meditation, but I am re-thinking that
concept, too. Maybe that will be the subject of a future article.
Anyway, I had a really good meditative conversation. My conversation
came in the form of a series of scenes from my life. I watched
the scenes as if I were sitting in a movie theater with a movie
on the screen. Technically this is called “disassociated,”
and it is a position that can give us a new perspective on our
lives.
Scene #1 – It was me in the recent past, as a department
director at a hospital. It was a position that I held for about
eight years. During that phase of my life, I dreamed of the
day when I would have my own agency. “Then,” I said
to myself, “I will be able to do the work that really
matters to me.” Translation: “Then I will be happy.”
The irony was not lost on me. I was now living this dream, and
the thing that I was learning was that living a dream also comes
with nightmares. I pondered this thought.
Scene #2 – I was engaged in a conversation; in fact, it
had just occurred that week. My partner and I were talking about
taking 100% responsibility for our lives. The part of me that
was observing this from the theater seat started to get it.
“Ahhh, this has been my life lesson for a few years.”
And then, a cascade of thoughts flooded me. I was back into
a well-practiced pattern. When I feel insecure, scared, lost
– I look for a savior. I look for someone or thing that
will “fix” my problem. This time it was a certain
amount of a regular income stream. Then came the real kicker
– when I blame anything – including my insecurity,
fear, lost-ness, for not having a “good life.” I
am abdicating responsibility for my life. I say to these emotions,
“If it were not for you, I would be happy.”
Then – remember, I was in the movie AND watching it at
the same time—a disembodied voice said to me, “Really!?
Perhaps you would just have to look around for something else
to feel insecure about. You know, your weight, finances, a relationship,
a person, a business opportunity, etc., etc. As long as your
insecurity is about ‘them’ or ‘what is done
to me,’ then you don’t have to take responsibility.”
“You mean,” I said to the voice, “I have to
be the one who is in the driver’s seat? I have to claim
that this is more about me than the situation?” Then a
light bulb, though dimly lit, came on. “Oh, I find security
by living out my insecurity in the same old way?” Of course,
now my eyes are starting to cross with the paradox of all of
this.
“And,” the voice said to me, “I’m just
part of the scenery on your stage. If you want to shine the
spotlight on me and make me the star of the show, well, knock
yourself out.”
Blink. Blink. I found myself back in the theater seat. I’m
creating the stage on which my life is lived?? I am casting
the characters?? I’m shining the spotlight on money (I
guess I am also the lighting technician)? Then it was as if
the house lights came up and I realized that there was a whole
cast of characters on the stage including me.
And, very strangely, something occurred that I never expected
– I felt incredibly rich. A curtain opened creating a
scene within the scene, and there was Ben, my partner. He was
well and healthy. He had just passed through a disability that
had been very painful, and now he was okay (this all really
happened). It was so good to have him – the full Ben –
back on the stage. Then another curtain opened. The agency had
recently had several contacts offering clients and a consulting
job.
How had they learned about us? That was still to be discovered.
More important was that people knew about us. We would figure
out how that was happening later. And then, yep, another curtain!
It was insurance forms! Ben had wrestled with those #*!!*# insurance
forms through most of January and, after much hair pulling and
several mood swings, he “cracked the code.” A revenue
pipeline was opening up from them and bringing an income stream,
albeit small, into the agency.
Final scene - I was in my private practice that I had closed
10 years ago. I left it because I thought – “If
only I had a ‘real’ job with regular income –
then I would be happy.” So I went out and got a ‘real
job” with ‘regular income.’ And, I was just
about as happy and sad as I ever was – just like when
I was in the private practice. The “savior,” my
“real” job, was very demanding. It rewarded me with
regular income. It also robbed me of time and energy for the
work that I knew I was called to do. Being saved was not that
great. It is amazing how the characters of Dudley-Do-Right and
Snidely McGhee are just two sides of the same mask. In fact
there were many, many days that I did not like being saved at
all.
Ting-a-ling-a-ling. The meditation bell was sounding. Time was
up. I stretched. Blinked. Then pondered. I am learning that
taking 100% responsibility for my life is not about leaving
difficulties. This too will bring its own difficulties. Hmmm.
Maybe that is the point. Stop blaming difficulties. Life is
difficult. Stop looking for “ the thing” –
person, place, etc. – that is going to save me from …
ahhh …. From? Oh! Me.
Kay Myers is a co-founder of Life Perspectives: An Agency
for Change. She is an educator, spiritual guide, psychotherapist,
hypnotherapist, minister, and writer. She specializes in addressing
medical issues through medical hypnotherapy. When the spirit
is whole the body is in an optimal state for healing. Her workshops
include: Learning to change limiting beliefs, recovery from
fears, phobias, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), creating
and curing our ills, and creating a compelling future. She can
be reached at 443-735-3794 or kay.myers.lifeperspectives.us
check out her website: www.lifeperspectives.us
