My friend recently told me about several business ideas he’s
interested in putting into practice. I don’t know much
about computer programming, which is his field, but I know he’s
very talented at what he does, and I think he’s got the
skills and character to make a great entrepreneur. But in his
mind, he doesn’t have what it takes. “So many other
people are smarter and have more business experience than me,”
he said. “It’s more realistic to stay in the job
I have now.”
Judging only from his words, one would think my friend was meekly
resigned to his fate. One would think he’d fully accepted
that he wasn’t good enough to get where he wanted and
given up planning how to get there. I’d usually expect
someone saying his words to sound morose and defeated. But there
was a sharpness to his tone and a defiant look in his eyes.
I got the sense that what he was telling me wasn’t the
whole truth - there was some other reason, one relating to anger,
why he wasn’t pursuing what he wanted.
“Is the problem really that other people are better than
you?” I asked.
He thought for a moment. “Yeah, and they wouldn’t
take what I was doing seriously.”
That statement sounded more true to me. I could feel his anger
again, and now I could see who it was directed at—the
people who, in my friend’s view, would put his ideas down
if he went for what he wanted. He actually didn’t believe
everyone else was better than him at all—he thought that,
although his ideas had merit, people wouldn’t understand
or accept them.
He wasn’t giving up his entrepreneurial aspirations, I
realized, because he felt inferior or wanted to be “realistic.”
Although he may not have been conscious of it, he was giving
them up out of anger. By refusing to go for what he wanted,
he was punishing the people who—in his mind—wouldn’t
take him seriously. To get revenge on people who hurt him, he
was denying the world the gifts he could otherwise have brought
into it. He was intentionally depriving the world of the benefits
of his creativity.
Many of us have seen children engage in similar behavior. When
children feel they aren’t being loved or appreciated,
they sometimes withdraw from others in anger, hoping to punish
the world for neglecting them. However, while we notice when
children are withholding their gifts out of spite, we’re
often blind to the places where we’re doing it as adults.
Over time, we can become so accustomed to holding back that
we forget how much we can truly contribute to the world.
My friend, as it turned out, had been holding back his gifts
for a long time. As we talked further, he recalled an incident
in this vein from when he was five years old. His father was
strongly interested in mathematics and engineering, but had
little use for artistic pursuits. One day my friend was drawing
with some markers. His father looked at his drawing and said
“you’re not going to be an artist.”
My friend said he remembered being upset, and deciding that
no one would get to see his drawings again. Today, he recognized,
this decision was still influencing his life. When he told me
he didn’t have the ability or experience to pursue his
business ideas, he felt the same hurt and anger he experienced
in that interaction with his father long ago.
If you, like my friend, have a goal you’ve wanted to accomplish
for a long time, but you feel convinced that you’re “not
good enough” to do what you want, bring your attention
to that sense of inadequacy. Holding your attention on that
feeling, ask yourself is the problem that I’m not good
enough? Or is it that others will say I’m not good enough
if I pursue my goal? I’ll bet you’ll detect at least
a hint of the latter when you fully experience your inadequate
feelings.
If you notice in yourself a sense that others will put you down
if you try to achieve your goal, observe how that feels. If
your belief that others won’t take you seriously makes
you angry, notice the ways you’re expressing your anger.
Do you have a sense that people don’t deserve your contribution
if they won’t fully appreciate it? Are you holding back
from taking the path you really want to follow to punish people
who won’t acknowledge you?
Finally, if you recognize that you’re withholding your
gifts out of anger, acknowledge and express that anger. Admit
to yourself you’ve been punishing the world—probably
for a long time—for slighting or failing to appreciate
you in some way. Further, acknowledge that, all along, you’ve
had what it takes to succeed in your true calling. Gaining this
awareness will likely make you feel more free to go for what
you want, to release your anger, and to fully offer your gifts
to the world.
Copyright © 2008 Christopher R. Edgar. All rights
reserved.
Christopher R. Edgar is a success coach certified in hypnotherapy
and neuro-linguistic programming. Through his coaching business,
Purpose Power Coaching, he helps professionals transition to
careers aligned with their true callings. He may be reached
at http://www.purposepowercoaching.com
